My friend recently mentioned my blog to me and I suddenly realized that I had stopped blogging again. It seems summer and a change of pace caused it to be completely wiped from my mind. I also realized, now after looking at my recent posts, that I sort of left things suddenly. No concluding thoughts for the year, no musings about my future, no rambles pertaining to anything going on in my life. Thus, I have found it suitable to have sort of a hodgepodge of a post this time around.
Note to anyone reading: I'm hoping I can start doing this as a weekly thing perhaps part of a Sabbath routine. It seems just perfect, seeing as the Sabbath is meant to be a day of rest, reflection on the past week, and re-invigoration for the next.
The end of last semester.
Twas bitter-sweet, the parting from friends, the familiar rooms and halls of NVW, and other things that are oh so important to me. It felt good to be done with a surprisingly tough semester. I found peace in knowing that, even though a lot of responsibilities and burdens faced me in the coming summer, I would have a change of pace and a loving and supportive girlfriend, albeit one that was over 1200 miles away.
Early summer.
I went, with my head high and confident, into this summer, despite a few challenges I knew I would soon be facing. 1) Finding and buying a car. 2) Taking an online college course for the first time, and on top of that in astronomy, an area of science I hadn't even thought about since middle school. 3) Finding housing for the next semester. 4) Keeping up my end of a long distance relationship.
You know what I found out? I was not ready for any of these. It was only through God's grace and providence that I've arrived at this point in such good shape.
Mid summer.
You see. The first part of summer went smoothly, I was keeping up with deals on cars and prices and ranges for several models and years, I was staying on pace in my online course and doing well, and although I cannot say I looked at housing, I at least was pulling my weight in the relationship, sending letters, calling, skypeing, the whole she-bang and it was going well. The second part of summer was completely different.
I soon found myself falling into old messy living habits, acting more immature, and not really taking care of myself, both physically and spiritually. Finding a car became taxing, and the strain was wearing down on my relationship with my father who was unfortunately dragged along to many disappointing car deals. I had started to fall behind on my online Astronomy course and was becoming so engrossed with newly purchased games that I left little time for homework and didn't care all that much either. On top of being behind in Astronomy, because of that fact, I began to miss days of work for catch up which put the tasks I was given behind on schedule as well. I began to think about housing but being so caught up in everything else, I decided that I'd be fine if I just put it off just a little longer. I think my relationship began to fall apart here as well. I stopped sending letters because she had moved to a different house, having been living somewhere else temporarily for the first part of summer; I procrastinated on finding out her new address. Calling became just a habit, the talks became droll and merely consisted of questions about each others' days. An emotional distance began to form and grow, soon even rivaling the physical distance. Soon we realized a fatal overlooking of a crucial factor in relationships. We were no longer in it for the long run, where we were both going was not the same path or direction. We broke up.
The past five and a half weeks.
The past five and a half weeks have been... interesting... at the very least. Perhaps enlightening. Or surprising. Maybe a bit profound. Definitely important. I found a great deal on a car. 2007 Ford Focus with 100,234 miles on it, for a grand total of $4,500(plus a pretty buck or two here and there for some minor fixes and replacements). (This actually happened closer to 6 weeks back) It was right after my father and I had come to an apex of disagreements and miscommunication and were finally forced to face the monster of discontent and tension that had risen up between us. We had learned our lesson and God yet again proved his providence in a surprising, and rather quick transaction. I finished my Astronomy course with a B despite being horribly behind and having to cram 2 weeks worth into the last week along with the final. My professor decided to also show me mercy by not deducting the points that I deserved being deducted for all the late assignments that I turned in. I found some housing and was rushing into a deal with complete strangers, not knowing anything of the house's condition and no one living in it. Until suddenly a good friend of mine called me up one day while I was at work and asked me if I was still looking for housing. How did he know? I had previously let a mutual friend know that I was looking for housing... a couple weeks before the call. I was more than happy to accept his offer, obviously. Not only was it a better deal but I will be living with a friend and two other housemates are acquaintances. Here too I saw God's hand moving and making arrangements. And now for the juicy tidbits on my love life, or lack-there-of to be more exact.
It was tough. Even though it was completely mutual and we both knew it was for the best. It seemed the mutuality and the lack of animosity made it even harder. Knowing that it was the right thing, even though it felt so wrong.... was the hardest thing to accept and reconcile. That was the first week or so. After that I struggled with the fact that I had thought about, worried about, and nearly talked to her consistently every day for more than half a year and all of a sudden that needed to change and in fact had abruptly begun to change. We decided on not talking until we've had reasonable space to move on, for the sake of a future friendship. Recently, thoughts and feelings have begun resurfacing, perhaps this is normal, perhaps I just think too much.
Reflections and b-sides
The wisdom of Francis Chan and his wife Lisa Chan has brought me to the realization that I have not yet come to the point in my relationship with Christ to be ready for marriage, and for me that means I'm going to have to kiss dating goodbye. I realized that if I cannot be fixed upon an eternal relationship and can't put forth the effort and give my all to a perfect and ever-present lover of my soul... how could I dream of beginning to taking up my role in a Christ centered romantic relationship as a man, who is called and mandated to lead and love to the fullest of his extent? How could I ever do that if I can barely follow my holy role model and example?
I realized that all that I had achieved in the past year, becoming more responsible, becoming at least slightly more organized, becoming a bit more diligent. These were not things that came out from within me but were placed in me by my creator and redeemer. It is in His plan how and when he wishes to use these, and by pulling them out of my grasp yet again He has yet again reminded me not only of my powerlessness on my own but also my strength by His side.
I realized I don't like help through the tough times. I don't reach out until it's too much and even then "I never look inward and try not to look upward". I am still relying on my own strength too much and am often times crushed under the weight my overconfidence allows me to pick up.
I realized that I am tired, but that I can awaken anew with the right mindset and goals.
That's all. Hopefully you're still the same age at the end of reading this obscenely long post. Thanks for reading my musings, ramblings, and thoughts. I'll finish off talking about summer next week seeing as it will the my last day of summer in Oviedo and I'll begin looking forward at this impending semester and year.
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