Right now it is 12:07... so only a smidgen past Sunday. Perhaps I'll pretend I'm operating on Chicago time. Anyways as I mentioned last week, I want to be writing these blogs each week, inspired or not, I'll clunk out fun little tidbits of my life onto this electronic cellulose. Well... here goes.
The past few days, but especially today, I've been feeling the familiar farewell blues once again. Leaving for a few months seems like so long now for some reason. I was having a lot of trouble putting my thumb down on the source or the root of this new perspective on my semesters away and I've, through my pondering and self-reflection, narrowed it down to the simple idea of "change". Now I could say it's growing up, or transitions, or seeing friends mature and/or drift away. But in general it's change. There aren't way too many major changes with this one move back up to Grand Rapids. However there are a multitude of changes in the next few years that I sense in my life, and only a few are directly related to me.
I think for so long I had been in one place, Florida, that I had forgotten that things come and go, people go through changes... in personality, interest, location, job, relationship status, and what have you. I had known so many things to be so... stable, back home. I realized that Florida, even though it is no longer where I reside for most of the year, and I normally live over a thousand miles away from, is still my home. It's the place I want to go back to bed and curl up in, the place I want to sit around and laze idly in, it's the place that I long for when things don't make sense... it's also the place that I haven't ever expected to change. I realized or am realizing that after this summer, there is a major shifting point. I am no longer an underclassman, I will need to start looking forward at my future, wherever or whatever that may be, and the things around me are going to begin to change really fast.
I am now fast on the track to adulthood and independence. Along with the bills, the insurance, and all the convoluted mess of financial independence that is awaiting me comes the change in my social network. All of my friends from high school will be well on their way in college, my home church may not be the same and may no longer even be what I identify as my home church, I may be in a completely new surrounding with little or no old friends to reminisce with, things will have changed so much. I am growing up. I now find the hardest part of growing up is not the taking on of new responsibilities... but the letting go of old ones.
We often think of adolescents, teens, etc not having many responsibilities... yet when you really dwell on it, they have many. It is such a narrow view and scope to limit responsibilities to duties, chores, and tasks. Adolescents and teens have some of the hardest responsibilities of all; all of those which fall under social identification and exploration. Teenagers, tweenagers, and whoever else is in that mix all tend to relate on one, almost comical, level. They all think and feel as though their parents and adults don't understand them. And there is some truth, lo and behold, to that shared plight. Where does a lot of this conflict arise from? Different priorities and different responsibilities. Adolescence is the stage of life where we begin to define ourselves, we begin to test and set our boundaries, and we begin to explore who we are as a person. This means also that when it comes to sociability, we are at the height of our curiosity and engagement. It is during this time most people set the tone for their social persona for the rest of their lives, not because they are limited to whatever worked but because they've crossed off most everything that didn't work. They find out what doesn't work by taking on social responsibilities, to friends, to classmates, to teachers, to parents, to many others, and sometimes in a weird way to themselves. These responsibilities become the drive in so many daily decisions, they become the fuel for moving forward.
I'm realizing that those responsibilities, those always there, are going to have to be put a little bit further back on the burner (aka the back burner) or at the very least there will be a shift in the majority or perhaps plurality.
I'm scared of not seeing, hearing from, talking to, hanging with, and laughing with(and sometimes at) people whom I have designated as part of my "home". I know it sounds kind of funny put that way, but there are just some people who I feel like I will always consider part of "home" to me. To realize that my "home" is splitting apart or at least on the verge of doing so, is a frightening thought. And trust me... I'm not scared of much(hey, doesn't mean I can't be startled, that happens often enough). It's interesting looking back at all the memories, especially when a single vivid memory that may be of just one strange, awkward, funny, or serious moment shared with a friend or companion of any kind can be recalled so easily... and yet what I did a week ago is almost completely gone from my mind already.
I feel unprepared for change. However I take comfort in a simple little phrase of wisdom: How can someone be prepared for a surprise and the surprise still be a surprise?
I am finding my peace with it... and searching for the answer to the question that further plagues me. Perhaps that will be a topic in the future, but let the future be the future. For now, sayonara. It's been a long one... thanks for bearing with me.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
The A and B sides of Summer life
My friend recently mentioned my blog to me and I suddenly realized that I had stopped blogging again. It seems summer and a change of pace caused it to be completely wiped from my mind. I also realized, now after looking at my recent posts, that I sort of left things suddenly. No concluding thoughts for the year, no musings about my future, no rambles pertaining to anything going on in my life. Thus, I have found it suitable to have sort of a hodgepodge of a post this time around.
Note to anyone reading: I'm hoping I can start doing this as a weekly thing perhaps part of a Sabbath routine. It seems just perfect, seeing as the Sabbath is meant to be a day of rest, reflection on the past week, and re-invigoration for the next.
The end of last semester.
Twas bitter-sweet, the parting from friends, the familiar rooms and halls of NVW, and other things that are oh so important to me. It felt good to be done with a surprisingly tough semester. I found peace in knowing that, even though a lot of responsibilities and burdens faced me in the coming summer, I would have a change of pace and a loving and supportive girlfriend, albeit one that was over 1200 miles away.
Early summer.
I went, with my head high and confident, into this summer, despite a few challenges I knew I would soon be facing. 1) Finding and buying a car. 2) Taking an online college course for the first time, and on top of that in astronomy, an area of science I hadn't even thought about since middle school. 3) Finding housing for the next semester. 4) Keeping up my end of a long distance relationship.
You know what I found out? I was not ready for any of these. It was only through God's grace and providence that I've arrived at this point in such good shape.
Mid summer.
You see. The first part of summer went smoothly, I was keeping up with deals on cars and prices and ranges for several models and years, I was staying on pace in my online course and doing well, and although I cannot say I looked at housing, I at least was pulling my weight in the relationship, sending letters, calling, skypeing, the whole she-bang and it was going well. The second part of summer was completely different.
I soon found myself falling into old messy living habits, acting more immature, and not really taking care of myself, both physically and spiritually. Finding a car became taxing, and the strain was wearing down on my relationship with my father who was unfortunately dragged along to many disappointing car deals. I had started to fall behind on my online Astronomy course and was becoming so engrossed with newly purchased games that I left little time for homework and didn't care all that much either. On top of being behind in Astronomy, because of that fact, I began to miss days of work for catch up which put the tasks I was given behind on schedule as well. I began to think about housing but being so caught up in everything else, I decided that I'd be fine if I just put it off just a little longer. I think my relationship began to fall apart here as well. I stopped sending letters because she had moved to a different house, having been living somewhere else temporarily for the first part of summer; I procrastinated on finding out her new address. Calling became just a habit, the talks became droll and merely consisted of questions about each others' days. An emotional distance began to form and grow, soon even rivaling the physical distance. Soon we realized a fatal overlooking of a crucial factor in relationships. We were no longer in it for the long run, where we were both going was not the same path or direction. We broke up.
The past five and a half weeks.
The past five and a half weeks have been... interesting... at the very least. Perhaps enlightening. Or surprising. Maybe a bit profound. Definitely important. I found a great deal on a car. 2007 Ford Focus with 100,234 miles on it, for a grand total of $4,500(plus a pretty buck or two here and there for some minor fixes and replacements). (This actually happened closer to 6 weeks back) It was right after my father and I had come to an apex of disagreements and miscommunication and were finally forced to face the monster of discontent and tension that had risen up between us. We had learned our lesson and God yet again proved his providence in a surprising, and rather quick transaction. I finished my Astronomy course with a B despite being horribly behind and having to cram 2 weeks worth into the last week along with the final. My professor decided to also show me mercy by not deducting the points that I deserved being deducted for all the late assignments that I turned in. I found some housing and was rushing into a deal with complete strangers, not knowing anything of the house's condition and no one living in it. Until suddenly a good friend of mine called me up one day while I was at work and asked me if I was still looking for housing. How did he know? I had previously let a mutual friend know that I was looking for housing... a couple weeks before the call. I was more than happy to accept his offer, obviously. Not only was it a better deal but I will be living with a friend and two other housemates are acquaintances. Here too I saw God's hand moving and making arrangements. And now for the juicy tidbits on my love life, or lack-there-of to be more exact.
It was tough. Even though it was completely mutual and we both knew it was for the best. It seemed the mutuality and the lack of animosity made it even harder. Knowing that it was the right thing, even though it felt so wrong.... was the hardest thing to accept and reconcile. That was the first week or so. After that I struggled with the fact that I had thought about, worried about, and nearly talked to her consistently every day for more than half a year and all of a sudden that needed to change and in fact had abruptly begun to change. We decided on not talking until we've had reasonable space to move on, for the sake of a future friendship. Recently, thoughts and feelings have begun resurfacing, perhaps this is normal, perhaps I just think too much.
Reflections and b-sides
The wisdom of Francis Chan and his wife Lisa Chan has brought me to the realization that I have not yet come to the point in my relationship with Christ to be ready for marriage, and for me that means I'm going to have to kiss dating goodbye. I realized that if I cannot be fixed upon an eternal relationship and can't put forth the effort and give my all to a perfect and ever-present lover of my soul... how could I dream of beginning to taking up my role in a Christ centered romantic relationship as a man, who is called and mandated to lead and love to the fullest of his extent? How could I ever do that if I can barely follow my holy role model and example?
I realized that all that I had achieved in the past year, becoming more responsible, becoming at least slightly more organized, becoming a bit more diligent. These were not things that came out from within me but were placed in me by my creator and redeemer. It is in His plan how and when he wishes to use these, and by pulling them out of my grasp yet again He has yet again reminded me not only of my powerlessness on my own but also my strength by His side.
I realized I don't like help through the tough times. I don't reach out until it's too much and even then "I never look inward and try not to look upward". I am still relying on my own strength too much and am often times crushed under the weight my overconfidence allows me to pick up.
I realized that I am tired, but that I can awaken anew with the right mindset and goals.
That's all. Hopefully you're still the same age at the end of reading this obscenely long post. Thanks for reading my musings, ramblings, and thoughts. I'll finish off talking about summer next week seeing as it will the my last day of summer in Oviedo and I'll begin looking forward at this impending semester and year.
Note to anyone reading: I'm hoping I can start doing this as a weekly thing perhaps part of a Sabbath routine. It seems just perfect, seeing as the Sabbath is meant to be a day of rest, reflection on the past week, and re-invigoration for the next.
The end of last semester.
Twas bitter-sweet, the parting from friends, the familiar rooms and halls of NVW, and other things that are oh so important to me. It felt good to be done with a surprisingly tough semester. I found peace in knowing that, even though a lot of responsibilities and burdens faced me in the coming summer, I would have a change of pace and a loving and supportive girlfriend, albeit one that was over 1200 miles away.
Early summer.
I went, with my head high and confident, into this summer, despite a few challenges I knew I would soon be facing. 1) Finding and buying a car. 2) Taking an online college course for the first time, and on top of that in astronomy, an area of science I hadn't even thought about since middle school. 3) Finding housing for the next semester. 4) Keeping up my end of a long distance relationship.
You know what I found out? I was not ready for any of these. It was only through God's grace and providence that I've arrived at this point in such good shape.
Mid summer.
You see. The first part of summer went smoothly, I was keeping up with deals on cars and prices and ranges for several models and years, I was staying on pace in my online course and doing well, and although I cannot say I looked at housing, I at least was pulling my weight in the relationship, sending letters, calling, skypeing, the whole she-bang and it was going well. The second part of summer was completely different.
I soon found myself falling into old messy living habits, acting more immature, and not really taking care of myself, both physically and spiritually. Finding a car became taxing, and the strain was wearing down on my relationship with my father who was unfortunately dragged along to many disappointing car deals. I had started to fall behind on my online Astronomy course and was becoming so engrossed with newly purchased games that I left little time for homework and didn't care all that much either. On top of being behind in Astronomy, because of that fact, I began to miss days of work for catch up which put the tasks I was given behind on schedule as well. I began to think about housing but being so caught up in everything else, I decided that I'd be fine if I just put it off just a little longer. I think my relationship began to fall apart here as well. I stopped sending letters because she had moved to a different house, having been living somewhere else temporarily for the first part of summer; I procrastinated on finding out her new address. Calling became just a habit, the talks became droll and merely consisted of questions about each others' days. An emotional distance began to form and grow, soon even rivaling the physical distance. Soon we realized a fatal overlooking of a crucial factor in relationships. We were no longer in it for the long run, where we were both going was not the same path or direction. We broke up.
The past five and a half weeks.
The past five and a half weeks have been... interesting... at the very least. Perhaps enlightening. Or surprising. Maybe a bit profound. Definitely important. I found a great deal on a car. 2007 Ford Focus with 100,234 miles on it, for a grand total of $4,500(plus a pretty buck or two here and there for some minor fixes and replacements). (This actually happened closer to 6 weeks back) It was right after my father and I had come to an apex of disagreements and miscommunication and were finally forced to face the monster of discontent and tension that had risen up between us. We had learned our lesson and God yet again proved his providence in a surprising, and rather quick transaction. I finished my Astronomy course with a B despite being horribly behind and having to cram 2 weeks worth into the last week along with the final. My professor decided to also show me mercy by not deducting the points that I deserved being deducted for all the late assignments that I turned in. I found some housing and was rushing into a deal with complete strangers, not knowing anything of the house's condition and no one living in it. Until suddenly a good friend of mine called me up one day while I was at work and asked me if I was still looking for housing. How did he know? I had previously let a mutual friend know that I was looking for housing... a couple weeks before the call. I was more than happy to accept his offer, obviously. Not only was it a better deal but I will be living with a friend and two other housemates are acquaintances. Here too I saw God's hand moving and making arrangements. And now for the juicy tidbits on my love life, or lack-there-of to be more exact.
It was tough. Even though it was completely mutual and we both knew it was for the best. It seemed the mutuality and the lack of animosity made it even harder. Knowing that it was the right thing, even though it felt so wrong.... was the hardest thing to accept and reconcile. That was the first week or so. After that I struggled with the fact that I had thought about, worried about, and nearly talked to her consistently every day for more than half a year and all of a sudden that needed to change and in fact had abruptly begun to change. We decided on not talking until we've had reasonable space to move on, for the sake of a future friendship. Recently, thoughts and feelings have begun resurfacing, perhaps this is normal, perhaps I just think too much.
Reflections and b-sides
The wisdom of Francis Chan and his wife Lisa Chan has brought me to the realization that I have not yet come to the point in my relationship with Christ to be ready for marriage, and for me that means I'm going to have to kiss dating goodbye. I realized that if I cannot be fixed upon an eternal relationship and can't put forth the effort and give my all to a perfect and ever-present lover of my soul... how could I dream of beginning to taking up my role in a Christ centered romantic relationship as a man, who is called and mandated to lead and love to the fullest of his extent? How could I ever do that if I can barely follow my holy role model and example?
I realized that all that I had achieved in the past year, becoming more responsible, becoming at least slightly more organized, becoming a bit more diligent. These were not things that came out from within me but were placed in me by my creator and redeemer. It is in His plan how and when he wishes to use these, and by pulling them out of my grasp yet again He has yet again reminded me not only of my powerlessness on my own but also my strength by His side.
I realized I don't like help through the tough times. I don't reach out until it's too much and even then "I never look inward and try not to look upward". I am still relying on my own strength too much and am often times crushed under the weight my overconfidence allows me to pick up.
I realized that I am tired, but that I can awaken anew with the right mindset and goals.
That's all. Hopefully you're still the same age at the end of reading this obscenely long post. Thanks for reading my musings, ramblings, and thoughts. I'll finish off talking about summer next week seeing as it will the my last day of summer in Oviedo and I'll begin looking forward at this impending semester and year.
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