Monday, August 27, 2012

Mutatio and Those Familiar Farewell Feelings

Right now it is 12:07... so only a smidgen past Sunday. Perhaps I'll pretend I'm operating on Chicago time. Anyways as I mentioned last week, I want to be writing these blogs each week, inspired or not, I'll clunk out fun little tidbits of my life onto this electronic cellulose. Well... here goes.

The past few days, but especially today, I've been feeling the familiar farewell blues once again. Leaving for a few months seems like so long now for some reason. I was having a lot of trouble putting my thumb down on the source or the root of this new perspective on my semesters away and I've, through my pondering and self-reflection, narrowed it down to the simple idea of "change". Now I could say it's growing up, or transitions, or seeing friends mature and/or drift away. But in general it's change. There aren't way too many major changes with this one move back up to Grand Rapids. However there are a multitude of changes in the next few years that I sense in my life, and only a few are directly related to me.

I think for so long I had been in one place, Florida, that I had forgotten that things come and go, people go through changes... in personality, interest, location, job, relationship status, and what have you. I had known so many things to be so... stable, back home. I realized that Florida, even though it is no longer where I reside for most of the year, and I normally live over a thousand miles away from, is still my home. It's the place I want to go back to bed and curl up in, the place I want to sit around and laze idly in, it's the place that I long for when things don't make sense... it's also the place that I haven't ever expected to change. I realized or am realizing that after this summer, there is a major shifting point. I am no longer an underclassman, I will need to start looking forward at my future, wherever or whatever that may be, and the things around me are going to begin to change really fast.

I am now fast on the track to adulthood and independence. Along with the bills, the insurance, and all the convoluted mess of financial independence that is awaiting me comes the change in my social network. All of my friends from high school will be well on their way in college, my home church may not be the same and may no longer even be what I identify as my home church, I may be in a completely new surrounding with little or no old friends to reminisce with, things will have changed so much. I am growing up. I now find the hardest part of growing up is not the taking on of new responsibilities... but the letting go of old ones.

We often think of adolescents, teens, etc not having many responsibilities... yet when you really dwell on it, they have many. It is such a narrow view and scope to limit responsibilities to duties, chores, and tasks. Adolescents and teens have some of the hardest responsibilities of all; all of those which fall under social identification and exploration. Teenagers, tweenagers, and whoever else is in that mix all tend to relate on one, almost comical, level. They all think and feel as though their parents and adults don't understand them. And there is some truth, lo and behold, to that shared plight. Where does a lot of this conflict arise from? Different priorities and different responsibilities. Adolescence is the stage of life where we begin to define ourselves, we begin to test and set our boundaries, and we begin to explore who we are as a person. This means also that when it comes to sociability, we are at the height of our curiosity and engagement. It is during this time most people set the tone for their social persona for the rest of their lives, not because they are limited to whatever worked but because they've crossed off most everything that didn't work. They find out what doesn't work by taking on social responsibilities, to friends, to classmates, to teachers, to parents, to many others, and sometimes in a weird way to themselves. These responsibilities become the drive in so many daily decisions, they become the fuel for moving forward.

I'm realizing that those responsibilities, those always there, are going to have to be put a little bit further back on the burner (aka the back burner) or at the very least there will be a shift in the majority or perhaps plurality.

I'm scared of not seeing, hearing from, talking to, hanging with, and laughing with(and sometimes at) people whom I have designated as part of my "home". I know it sounds kind of funny put that way, but there are just some people who I feel like I will always consider part of "home" to me. To realize that my "home" is splitting apart or at least on the verge of doing so, is a frightening thought. And trust me... I'm not scared of much(hey, doesn't mean I can't be startled, that happens often enough). It's interesting looking back at all the memories, especially when a single vivid memory that may be of just one strange, awkward, funny, or serious moment shared with a friend or companion of any kind can be recalled so easily... and yet what I did a week ago is almost completely gone from my mind already.

I feel unprepared for change. However I take comfort in a simple little phrase of wisdom: How can someone be prepared for a surprise and the surprise still be a surprise?

I am finding my peace with it... and searching for the answer to the question that further plagues me. Perhaps that will be a topic in the future, but let the future be the future. For now, sayonara. It's been a long one... thanks for bearing with me.


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