Expectations

Expectations… They often times are misleading… no, actually... they are always misleading. We cannot presume the mind of God, nor can we calculate and/or predict the future accurately. What has inspired this spiel of mine is the email notification I received earlier today from Calvin’s Housing Department.

During interim, something had suddenly, in less than a week, rekindled the desire and passion within me to consider applying for an RA position. During freshman year, I had entertained the idea of being an RA junior year. This thought left me as I slipped into the minutia and passively repetitive life style of the regular college student. This year I began exploring the endeavor of living more intentionally, being less fake and dropping my guard and facade a bit. To perhaps pursue relationships with more people, and build deeper and better relationships with them than I would have in the past. This began to stir up grand ideas of working hard on relationships and investing myself in others in the context of a Brotherhood of a dormitory floor and in a lesser extent the dormitory as a whole.

Perhaps these ideas were a bit too fantastic to turn out… and so they fell through.

The email notification that I received is the following generic copy/paste response:

“Dear _________, 

After a thorough review of your application, peer reference, faculty/staff reference, cumulative GPA, and RA reference, we are unable to pursue your candidacy further.  We appreciate the thought and time you invested in the application process thus far.  We had over 150 applications this year, so are not able to offer interviews to all applicants.  If you have questions, please contact your Resident Director. 

We realize the disappointment that this email may bring. However, we encourage you to use your gifts, motivation, and abilities in other areas of service at Calvin—this campus needs your involvement to remain a vibrant community.  If you are living in the halls next year, the CLC application process has begun!  Please check out http://www.calvin.edu/housing/staff-and-student-leaders/ 

I wish you the best this semester, 

“__________” 

Associate Dean of Residence Life” 

Disappointment is an understatement. Bitterness, confusion, frustration and even a little bit of anger are things that this email brought. Here are my thoughts…

1.      The overt, blind, industrialized encouragement of those in leadership positions. I spoke to my RD and many current RAs that I know, including some that I knew personally before their RA-dom. This coupled with the rejection email have caused bitterness to well up within me. It says to me that even though I am apparently not one of the top 30th percentile of the expected applicant populace, those in leadership positions figured it’d be best to encourage me as much as they could, but also perhaps figured it wouldn't be good to realistically call me out on areas that they perceived as perhaps unsuitable qualities for the RA position; for instance, I am not very organized but despite knowing this about me, those in leadership positions encouraged me without being “real” with me. It’s reminiscent of the mindless non-critical encouragement that America, in last few decades, has fed immensely: the “You can do anything you put your mind to, heart in, etc!” type of encouragement.

2.     The encouragement and faith of my close friends gave me hope to fight my naturally negative and pessimistic outlook and perspective. I had truly begun to believe that I would easily make the first cut. I began to expect a fighting chance at the position; a chance to prove myself capable, willing, and ready to take on the responsibility and work past my flaws and personal lacking. I don’t blame my friends. I am thankful for their faith in me and also their surprisingly high level understanding of who I am that I had not expected. What invokes bitterness and frustration (maybe even anger) here is the fact that Housing had decided they “are unable to further pursue [my] candidacy further”. Perhaps it’s just the wording that hurts me the most. Finding themselves “unable to further pursue [my] candidacy” for RA is inherently a false statement. Since when did they pursue my candidacy? My friends did that more than they have. My friends read over my application answers and helped me figure out how to best represent myself truthfully and clearly. What did the housing department do other than put on two RA info sessions? Put the “ad” in student news? The furthest extent of their pursuing my candidacy was the encouragement of my RD… and you already know how I feel about that.

3.      The last but probably most important factor was my expectations. I had let myself begin to assume the mind and will of God.

This isn’t me saying we can’t presume we can understand the general will and character of God… But it is clear in the Bible that we cannot ourselves predict God’s specific and detailed will, we can only receive that. I did not keep this in mind and began to build up myself, my plans, and my expectations upon the presumption that God was calling me to be an RA. I’m not entirely sure why God has prevented me from further pursuing the RA position but I know that it is for a reason. The disappointing fact is that I can’t know just yet what that reason is; I can only wait to find it out ex post facto. I haven’t quite yet accepted this situation yet, I am not at peace about it yet; but I can say that my mind is at least taking steps forward (and past this all) that my emotions cannot yet take.

I’ll write a follow up blog about this upon the advent of any new revelations, happenings, or developments.

- JerBear

p.s. The following are the three questions on the RA application and my submitted responses; feel free to read them if you wish:

What personal traits do you possess which will be helpful to the RA Position?I am a rather sociable person and consider myself to be gregarious when need be. Organization is not one of my stronger suits, but I take leadership roles and responsibilities very seriously. I try my best at my endeavors once I commit myself to them. I love to have fun but I also know how necessary rules and policies are, and even though I may not always agree with every detail I recognize their authority.  I am against breaking and disrespecting them. Another personal trait I see in myself is a desire to involve myself in the lives of my friends and to help or assist them in any way I can. However, I do know it is necessary to respect boundaries and to actively seek the appropriate levels of involvement in different relationships. 

Explain how your Christian faith would be demonstrated in your position if you were an RA:I know that the faith leadership role is that of the Barnabas of the floor but I personally believe the RA of a floor should demonstrate brotherly/sisterly love as a fellow Christian by being involved in the spiritual lives of the other students that live on his/her floor. I would want to be as involved with the floor's Barnabas as much as possible and would try my best to be a spiritual role model and companion to my floor brothers. It seems like a lofty goal, but in my mind it is a goal both necessary and well worth having. A floor should pursue both fellowship and brotherhood (or sisterhood); these should shape the nature and character of the floor, particularly on a spiritual level. 

Explain what you believe is an ideal residence hall environment and how an RA helps to bring this about:I believe the ideal residence hall environment is one in which the residents feel comfortable with each other and feel included and involved with the floor. It is important for a floor to feel a unity akin to brotherhood or sisterhood, so that they can build positive relationships with and among themselves in order to lift each other up both emotionally and spiritually. It is crucial for a floor to have this kind of supportive atmosphere and structure because as young adults, we need not only older and more mature mentors but also peers to lean on for support as we learn how to function as independent adults. The RA of the floor has the responsibility of furthering this type of environment by not only being an active role model, leader, and initiator of such an environment but also by being an active member and participator. A RA can do so by being involved with the other floor and dorm CLC members, events that are planned, and also merely being involved in residents' lives. In order for RA's to do this they must also make themselves very available to their residents in many different areas: emotionally, physically (presence and time), and spiritually.